The end of the Journey. The one thing we can’t escape.

by IANZ Admin

Posted on 03.30.2023

I was challenged this week to write on what is going to be a difficult topic. If this makes it to print, I’m happy with my attempt. This one comes with a warning – it’s a bit emotional.I recently introduced Matt Shirley to you, and as I mentioned in my last post, he and I often get talking on health and wellness, a topic of interest to us both that we try and ‘live’ with varying degrees of success at different times. And one of our questions we raised was ‘are we trying one way or another, to cheat death?’ Matt thought that I should have a shot writing on the topic of death, and so here goes.Since starting Independent Agent I have had to deal with death on a professional level certainly a lot more than ever before. We are dealing with deceased estates, deceased trustees, deceased partners, etcetera, and so death and dying becomes part of the job. I have been in awe of the sensitivity and grace that I see from Real Estate Salespeople too. For a profession that gets such a hard time, I think that in these sensitive moments we do a great job.But what about when it is closer to home? Being on the sidelines of a loved one’s deterioration or sudden death is harrowing and there seems to be no manual to handle this.Here are some things to think about in these situations, be it a personal or professional context.When we are around death, we are in a vacuum. In the before, the moment of, and the aftermath, it is like we are in a bubble. When we are around death it is like everything else stops and nothing else matters. We are in the center of the world at that moment. And in this way, living through the passing of a loved one is similar to some other major life events. Like getting married. When you get married there is no-one else in the world. The only thing that matters is your wedding. (Bruno Mars was playing on our wedding day, my wife wanted to see him, how dare he play on that day!). When you bring a child into the world it is the same. You are in the moment, you are the only people in the world, and nothing else is relevant. It is even a little bit like young children on their birthday (and some adults…). The birthday boy or girl is the center of the world, and anyone trying to shift that focus had better look out. (I share my birthday with my son and so both of these last two are familiar to me. I basically no longer have a birthday and am therefore perpetually 33 years old).We come face to face with our own mortality. My father passed away several decades too early. He didn’t drink, smoke, nothing! He was active and healthy and ate well. At the time of his death and for half a decade after, I did drink an awful lot and lived in an altogether unhealthy way. It got to me. In ‘hang-xiety’ (Hangover Anxiety) moments I would be sure that I was poisoning myself and would end up not living past 60 either. I believe that my interest in living in a healthy way was prompted in part by this.We don’t really think about our own death. Yes, we face our own mortality when death is in the room, but we don’t tend to think too much about it otherwise. We know with certainty that death is coming for us eventually, but it is always a long way away. “Actually,” we think, “it probably won’t happen to me”, or “best not to think about getting old and dying.” I don’t know what it would be like to have the weight of this on us at all times, but I am glad that it is not something that is all consuming.Letting go is hard. I can recall my sweet little Grandmother in her last months. She was older than she ever thought she would be, and she was tired! I remember her crying on my shoulder and telling me how scared she was. I told her that she will be fine. That she lived a life full of goodness and love.People on the edge of death can hold on to life, especially if going too young, until they are given permission to go. My father passed away 11 years ago, and still walks in my dreams sometimes. I woke up with a start – why did I just let him walk past me, why didn’t I stop and chat? Often when I am driving back home over the harbor bridge at a certain time of the evening the thought passes through my mind to call him and tell him something from my day – an old habit still remaining.Of course, we who are left behind go through a journey of grief, which has been well documented. The grieving person progresses through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This does not always proceed in a linear fashion, and may be fast or slow. The process can get stuck on the way to acceptance. If you want to read more on grief you can start here. And if you need help dealing with grief, start here – Grief Centre.A loved one of mine, who recently passed away, believed that for as long as someone remembers you after you are gone, a flicker of your spirit will remain. Once nobody remembers you, that’s it. We don’t know what happens at the end of the journey of life, but for those of us who have secular beliefs, this is a really nice way to think of our loved ones who have passed on, don’t you think?Rest in Peace, Steve. We sure had our differences but we got it all back together in the end. Photo Credit: Adrian Jones ‘Dad’