You Gotta Try

You gotta, you gotta, you gotta try a little tenderness,

That’s the song that is in my head (and now playing in the background) as I sit to write. Before I go any further, this is not a lockdown email (there have been a few right…!). I wrote this before our world got turned inside-out and upside-down again, but I am sure that the messages here apply, maybe even more so now. I hope there is something that you can take from this.

The moment I pushed send on last month’s newsletter I knew (with a little apprehension) what I would be writing about this month. I am particularly interested in experimenting with the idea of being just completely honest so that what you see is what you get. This means that I try and operate without guile, manipulation, and over-analysis. But it is scary to do this, not the least because it feels like in business it pays to keep your true thoughts and feelings locked away. So, it is with a bit of trepidation that I sit to write on compassion.

Am I afraid of being laughed at? Or being thought of as soft? What has compassion got to do with it? Is this even relevant?

I’ll let you decide.

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I am writing this on a day when it just feels I like I am at the end of my powers. I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t even really know how to say this right.

I am a husband, a son, a father, friend, and a mate. Its lambing season and a helpless new-born has required some of my time today. I’m the director of a new company that is still in its first year of business, a business that now has 15 people relying on it one way or another to put food on their table and a roof over their head. To put it simply, I feel like I am spread too thin. I am doing it all poorly today.

But what does compassion have to do with this? When I think of compassion I think of a robed figure reaching down and offering someone a hand up, but I want to go a bit beyond that idea. I have found that a little compassion towards one another can really have the effect of changing my perception of a whole situation.

I know that I am not the only one that at times can feel hostility towards someone that I am dealing with (shocking right…). Maybe this person is behaving in what is a particularly unreasonable manner. As well as holding my tongue, my practice when I notice this feeling is to try to understand the behaviour I am witnessing through a lens of compassion.

From a compassionate standpoint, an understanding of unreasonable behaviour will often surface. There is usually a reason that someone behaves the way that they do, right? Whether they are hiding an insecurity, masking a problem, or just having an off day. Maybe they were born to privilege and believe that the world is there to serve them resulting in an attitude of entitlement. Maybe they were born to lack and for them, attack is the best form of defence, along with “I will take what I can”.

Just last week I had a colleague come to me with a story of a manager behaving poorly towards her. Instead of putting the boot in and exacerbating the situation, I tried to diffuse the mood or feeling by suggesting that maybe the manager was just having a bad day. This had the desired effect of lifting negativity and my colleague had a change of perspective, moved on, and had a better day for it.

This is a really simple example, however in even simple interactions I am challenging myself to apply compassion as a first response rather than a last response. It affects interaction almost immediately. It is a proactive thing to do that can precede a positive interaction, and by taking a proactive approach to compassion it is likely that you will get personal benefit back. I guess what I am trying to say is that it pays to be kind. If a small moment of compassion towards another can lift a psychological burden within, then you are doing yourself a favour by using this practice. And it makes your job of working alongside someone that much easier if you can have feeling FOR them, rather than against them.

The second idea that I would like to explore today is an idea that may not spring to mind quite so readily. This is the idea of self-compassion. Having compassion towards yourself is quite possibly harder than having compassion towards others. I know that it is the case for myself. I don’t particularly like to give myself a break. If I am not suffering I am not really giving a situation enough effort/time/money/thought etc.

In having compassion for yourself, you allow yourself to take what you need to live a full and healthy life. You may try to reduce the unnecessary, unproductive and unfounded pressures on yourself. You might give yourself a fair chance, and might not internally (nor externally) destroy yourself if you fail, or fall short of your goals and expectations that you set for yourself. Being compassionate towards yourself is not a ticket to laziness, nor is it the same as making excuses for yourself. However, I believe that it is a path to a better quality of mental state.

I know that there are so many of us that beat ourselves up. And this comes back to my thoughts and feelings at the beginning of this newsletter. Furthermore, it is my experience that letting up on yourself when you need it will have a positive effect on your well-being overall.

I’m going to suggest a few examples that come from personal experience in this area where I have been able to practically be compassionate towards myself.

• Define a productivity outcome or time limit and taking breaks once these are met. This could relate to small tasks that might take hours and so the break is a short walk. It could be large tasks that takes months which may give rise to a longer break.
• Getting up a bit earlier (and going to bed a bit earlier) to allow some time to yourself in the morning. I just love an hour to myself in the mornings and I recommend this to anyone with a busy life – it makes a difference.
• Taking a mini vacation over a weekend or so.
• Finding a new interest or reigniting an old one.
• Allowing yourself some time to look after yourself by exercising and eating well. If you take up cooking and learn a new active interest you will take care of several of these pointers all at once.

I am sure you get the idea. These are all practical things to ‘do’ however this is also a mind game. However, as the body and mind are connected, one will impact on the other. Something to watch out for – ensure that actions you take that are designed to help don’t become in themselves a source of stress if they are missed. If you want to trial some of these ideas maybe implement things one at a time. Good habits tend to encourage more good habits. Start simple and go easy on yourself.

As it so happens, we are presently and once again faced with uncertainty. There is an ever-growing cluster of Covid-19 cases, and many of us are anticipating an extra period in lockdown with restrictive business opportunities.

So with that in mind please, go easy on those around you. On your partner, kids, other family members and those in your household. Don’t forget your boss, staff, colleagues and friends! Oh, and while you are at it, go easy on yourself too…

As for me, I am just going to try a little tenderness.

All the very best over the coming weeks and thank you once again for your attention.

Matt Jones

021 396 394 | matt@independentagent.co.nz
Independent Agent
Licensed REAA (2008) | www.independentagent.co.nz

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I am excited to welcome Donna Scott to the IA team. Donna is relentlessly positive and resonates with energy. She has sold throughout the general Tauranga area and is targeting Katikati, Omokoroa and other suburbs on the outskirts of Tauranga. She has chosen a super classy logo design and is going to be the very first Independent Agent to have a sign written car. How cool is that? I can’t wait to see her stunning branding popping up everywhere.

And it’s been a month of other firsts. Stuart White has his Billboard up in Hamilton attracting plenty of attention, and Stuart and his team also held our very first Auctions with a successful sale under the hammer.

Hope you all have a great weekend.